Books could be and are being written about these questions; remember, this is a thumbnail FAQ list. If you learn anything from this list, hopefully it will be how many questions there are to ask, and how much there is to learn! If you're concerned about issues that you feel are breezed over here, by all means check out some of the references for more complete answers. ( Topics which include safety information are in Red )
Questions answered in this list:
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The easy part first:
B/D = "bondage & discipline" or
"bondage & dominance"
S/M = "sadism & masochism"
D/s = "Dominance & submission"
People who read a.s.b are generally interested in ways to have sex that are
outside the mainstream. One of the recurrent threads on a.s.b is the question
of "what to call ourselves", since there is no one set of sexual practices we
all enjoy or are interested in, yet there is a lot in common among all the things
we talk about.
Some people enjoy submitting to another person, placing themselves under the power of another, in a sexual context. It can be a very hot thing for someone to say to you, "I'm yours. Use my body for your pleasure." This is D/s - one person is Dominating, the other submitting. Slave/master, harem girl/sultan, boy/daddy, student/schoolmistress. D/S is an erotic power game, where both people are getting off -- one on the thrill of controlling, the other on the thrill of being controlled. This is also where the terms "top" and "bottom" come in; the top is, roughly, the dominant; the bottom is, roughly, the submissive.
*MK note - It is my personal opinion that "Top" and "Dominant" and "bottom" and "submissive" are *not* the same as the paragraph above implies. A bottom may allow you to tie him/her up and hurt them, but not do so in a submissive context. A bottom does not want to give up control, while the submissive does. The same applies to the "Top / Dominant" combination, the Dominant assumes control of the submissive while the Top may merely be providing a service to a bottom who likes being whipped. The Top / bottom situation does not involve any exchange of power, where the Dominant / submissive arrangement does.
What do tops and bottoms do with each other? Well, one good possibility is they have lots of hot sex. Another possibility is the top ties the bottom up in some manner, which directly and physically puts the bottom at the top's mercy, and then the top plays with the bottom, teasing, seducing, frustrating, and ( hopefully ) finally satisfying. This is a bondage & dominance sort of game. Some people enjoy playing with punishment -- "You've been bad and now I have to tie you up and spank you!" That's bondage & discipline for you.
Then there's the sort of game described by S/M. Whips, canes, nipple clamps, all the wonderful toys that are designed to cause, in greater or lesser degree, pain. It can be a powerful thing to submit to someone else who wants to hurt you; it's a fantastic gesture of trust. And as will be discussed later, pain is not really pain anymore in an S/M game; it becomes overwhelmingly intense stimulation, which when administered by a skilled top can bring a bottom to entirely new heights of ecstasy. Sometimes the D/s aspect becomes secondary to the sensual trip; you don't have to enjoy obeying another's commands to enjoy being tied up and whipped!
This sort of trip, merging pain and pleasure to create an amazingly powerful experience for the bottom, is sometimes known as SM: Sex Magick. The precise definitions of B/D, S/M, whatever, don't matter so much as do the experiences they point towards. All these areas, as you can see, overlap and intermingle in many many ways, but for me they all meet in the single concept of Sex Magick: taking a fantasy and turning it into reality, creating a magical space in which everything is permitted and anything can happen!
While we're sort of on the subject of abbreviations, here are some more
motos = Member Of The Opposite
Sex
motss = Member Of The Same Sex
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
btw = By The Way
SO = Significant Other (i.e. lover)
FAQ = Frequently Asked Questions
SM has definite connotations of theater. The fact that you are a submissive while you're playing sexually does not mean you are a pushover in real life, nor does your being a dominant while playing mean that you are an overbearing egotist. These are roles that you can play; you are in some sense an actor.
Hence the concept of a "scene". A scene is a particular interaction between a group of players, usually revolving around a bottom. It's not a formal concept, just a handy way to describe the action. "That was the hottest whipping scene I've ever seen!" "Our last scene really pushed me, Master; I've never felt like that before." Usually a scene has a momentum of its own: you (a top) will begin fucking/whipping/sucking/whatever your bottom, you'll both be fantastically into it, one or both of you comes/peaks/starts getting tired, and you wind down and rest for a while and talk about what worked and what didn't, about how the scene was for you.
Novice S/M players may profit from actually taking this loose description and using it to structure your first scenes. If there's something you want to try, first negotiate it with your partner; discuss what you want out of the scene (bondage? orgasm?), what your limits are (no fucking, no tickling), and what safeword you want to use. Then get "into scene"--assume your roles, put on the collar (or whatever), get into the mood to play... and play! And after the scene is over, take time to discuss what the scene felt like for each of you. Make sure to listen to your partner and learn how they felt, and thank your partner for playing... after an intense scene, it's really nice to cuddle and connect, rather than stopping abruptly and going home. A scene has a beginning, middle, and end; all three parts are very important.
The other connotation of "scene" applies to the whole B/D/S/M population; sometimes someone will ask another SM player "Is X in the scene?" or "I've seen Y around the scene before."
*MK Note - There are two
subjects which while mentioned above, do not seem to have been covered anyplace
in this FAQ. They are "Negotiations" and "Limits". I believe
that both of these subjects are important enough to be covered in more depth.
Negotiation - This is the process of pre-play discussion that must take place
before any type of scene can take place. The main reason for this is, while
you may find it a terrific turn on to carve your initials into the bottom/subs
ass, they may not wish to be permanently scarred by you ( or anyone else! ).
Negotiation before hand will avoid this type of devastating situation before
it happens. You literally negotiate what can and cannot happen within the context
of your scene by setting limits.
Limits - Limits come in 2 flavors, "hard" and "soft".
A"Hard" limit would be NO Carving anything into my flesh. Period.
This is usually nonnegotiable and can severely damage any trust which may have
been built to date. Not respecting a limit is, in my opinion, the lowest form
of disrespect you can show a sub/bottom.
A "Soft" limit is negotiable. While a sub/bottom may not wish to be
fisted, they may allow it if the Dominant/Top expresses an interest in doing
so, provided certain conditions are met before hand.
A great way to negotiate is to use the Submissive Checklist. Both parties should
go over the items listed, indicate their preferences then negotiate the points
that they feel need more discussion.
Never let a Top/Dominant push you into changing a Hard limit into a Soft one
just to please them. If they threaten to leave you or not play with you unless
you allow them to do something that you DO NOT want to do, fuck`em. Leave them
and don't look back. There are plenty of Tops/Doms out there who will respect
your limits.
One of the thrills of S/M is that it can stretch your limitations. If you enjoy this sort of play, you can naturally find yourself trying more and more new things, accepting greater and greater levels of sensation, doing and feeling more than you've ever done or felt before.
But the process is slow and gradual, and people are not telepathic. It may be that you are the bottom in a whipping scene, and your top is whipping you, and suddenly it doesn't feel good anymore!! and you want them to STOP!!! That is what a safeword is: a word that means "This isn't working! This scene is going wrong somehow! Please stop!" A safeword needs to be taken seriously. Sometimes you may be playing with a top you don't know that well, and if they do something to you you don't want, it's important that you have a way to let them know, IMMEDIATELY. Especially if you're tied up or otherwise made helpless.
Everyone has their own favorite safeword. I personally use "Yellow!" to mean "Something's too intense; I need you to lighten up, but I don't want to stop the scene," and I use "Red!" to mean "I'm in trouble and I want everything to stop NOW, no more games, scene over, let me out of here!" Some people just have one flavor of safeword, and use "aardvark" or some other weird word they'd never say in the context of a scene. At many parties, the universal safeword is "Safeword!" It's up to you. All it is is a safety valve for when things get out of control.
Using a safeword can be hard to do sometimes. It's important to realize that no one is perfect, and if you as top do something that squicks your bottom (i.e. pushes beyond your bottom's limits--"squick" is a recent bit of a.s.b jargon), it doesn't mean you're a bad lover or a bad person. It only means that you ran into a limit you didn't know was there, or you were tired or disconnected and not in tune with your bottom. It happens to everyone from time to time. If you as top feel burned out and want to stop the scene suddenly, or you get a powerful reaction you weren't expecting and aren't sure how to continue, you can use a safeword too; safewords aren't just for bottoms! If you as bottom feel like your top is pushing you, and you don't want to play anymore, it's not fun, that's when you want to use a safeword. Your top will be glad you used it to tell them where you were at.
A safeword is just a communication tool, nothing more, nothing less. If you're playing intensely, it may feel hard to stop the scene, to come back from the edge via a safeword... but if you need to, that's what they're for. Some tops deliberately push their bottoms until their bottoms call safeword; this way, the bottom gets the experience of using it. A safeword that's never used can seem unusable, which isn't a good property for a safeword.
Sometimes a top will want to gag you, whether because you're being too noisy or they want to increase your helplessness or you've been being impertinent or whatever. You may still want a safeword to let the top know when a rope is too tight or the nipple clamps are pinching or whatever. Some people put a handkerchief in the bottom's hand; if they let go and the handkerchief falls, they know there's something up. I personally use the old SOS signal: three loud yells spaced evenly; "Unh! Unh! Unh!" No gag I've ever seen can stop _all_ noise, and that signal works even if my hands are in mittens or a straitjacket and unable to hold anything at all.
Before playing with someone, it's a good idea to negotiate, not only what safeword you want to use, but how you'll handle it if you need to use the safeword. When you're just getting into SM, it's pretty inevitable that some scenes will end prematurely or abruptly. If you acknowledge this possibility in advance, and talk about what kinds of comforting or remedy you might like, it'll make recovering from a mishap a lot easier and more pleasant.
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Often people outside the scene don't see the appeal in any of the things SM people do that look painful. What's enjoyable about being hit? Where's the fun in getting bruised?
Well, think about this. Have you ever had intense sex and afterwards noticed bite marks on your neck of which you had no memory? What happened was your love partner bit you, HARD, hard enough that it bruised you, and all you felt was another jolt of pleasure. If they bit you that hard when you _weren't_ having sex, you would scream "OUCH!!!" because it would hurt a lot! But when you are sexually aroused, your pain tolerance goes way up, and stimulation that you usually feel as pain is now actually pleasurable.
This is common knowledge. The usual explanation is that the brain produces endorphins, natural opiates, to compensate for intense pain. You actually get high off the sensation. The "runner's high" comes from pushing the body painfully for so long that the endorphins kick in; the rush you get after eating chili peppers comes from the same source; and that's what makes it enjoyable for SM players to be whipped or spanked or whatever. It's not pain, it's pleasure!
For just this reason, Pat Califia (a very well-known writer and SM player in the Bay Area) uses pain as a reward, when she's topping a masochist. Pain as a punishment can have the reverse effect, when your bottom _likes_ getting whipped!
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-This section used to be much bigger. I've broken out the information on each type of activity into the specific topic that talks about that activity; there was just too much material under this one topic.-
SM is play, and as such is fun! But S/M can also get intense and powerful. Here are some useful tips for people just getting started.
First of all, communicate. Let your partner know what you want and don't want. Keep the dialogue going; watch your partner, be aware of what she or he is feeling and thinking, and respect his or her limits. Establish a safeword, and make it very clear that it will be taken EXTREMELY seriously if used. DON'T assume that your partner shares a fantasy of yours unless you've EXPLICITLY discussed it with them; just because someone likes being blindfolded doesn't mean they'll enjoy being tied up.
Be sensitive. SM play, which can involve helplessness, intense sensation, and psychological domination, is strong stuff; it can reach deeply into someone's soul and bring up childhood traumas or hidden fears, without warning. Be aware that you are swimming in deep waters, and be respectful, loving, and careful. (Don't let this reality scare you away from SM, though; let it make you more aware and open to what both of you are feeling.)
If you are the top, and you are tying your bottom up, keep your attention on what you're doing. Your bottom is going to be blissing out; it's up to you to see that they're comfortable and kept amused. (The "amusement" can be as nasty as you please, but make sure that they don't get bored, that's seldom fun.)
Remember AIDS. Almost everything beyond closed-lips kissing and bare-skin contact is potentially unsafe, unless some kind of latex barrier is used. No unprotected contact between any combination of fingers, genitals, mouth, and anus; use a latex dam (or saran wrap) for cunnilingus or rimming (i.e. oral-anal contact), gloves for manual penetration, condoms on dildos and dicks. Use water-based lubricants such as ForPlay, Astroglide, Wet, KY Jelly; if the lube has nonoxynol-9 in it (which kills HIV) all the better (but some are allergic to nono-9). OILS AND OIL-BASED LUBES DISSOLVE LATEX; keep the mineral or massage oil away from your gloves and condoms (and latex clothing for that matter!).
Blood, semen, female secretions, urine... all can carry HIV. Play hard, but play safe. (One interesting thing about SM is that it expands the range of safe ways for people to pleasure each other! But it also expands the range of unsafe ways to play....) There are more safety tips, but if you want the in-depth skinny check some of the books at the end.
And there are some things that are commonly regarded as potentially too dangerous to do unless you've been taught by someone who knows. Suspension is one: there are lots of things that can go wrong, and many of them can result in severe injury. Crucifixion is an especially hazardous form of suspension. And body piercing is also not for the novice; it takes know-how and precision, and a mistake can result in a really big mess.
Fortunately, most SM activities, such as bondage and whipping, are not nearly so severe; you can start out light and build up the intensity as far as you both want to go. Pay attention to what you're doing and use common sense and you'll be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE! You will learn quickly and you'll have fun all along the way, and soon you'll be places you'd only dreamt about!
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One perception that some people can have, looking into the scene from outside, is that people are either tops or bottoms. Either you like to dominate, or you like to be dominated. And sometimes novices become confused, because they're excited by both possibilities.
The facts are, everyone is different, and everyone has their own preferences. I personally greatly enjoy topping my girlfriend, and also greatly enjoy submitting to her. Some people are tops in every play situation, just as some are bottoms in every play situation -- but I know people who top men but bottom to women, people who sometimes switch roles multiple times within one date, and every other spectrum of possibility!
Whole scenes can revolve around the "who's on top?" question. Maybe you can have a wrestling match, and the person who gets pinned first will wind up being tied up. Maybe you can set a timer, and when the timer dings, it's time to switch positions! There are as many possibilities as your imagination can dream of!
Then again, maybe only one side of the balance holds any appeal for you, and in that case, you'll want to play with folks who have little desire for your side... the variety of preferences is endless.
It is also the case that there is no necessary relation between whether someone is dominant or submissive in everyday life and whether they are a top or a bottom. Some of the most domineering executives secretly love being abased and abused... it's a chance for them to lose control, to give up responsibility. And some of the most quiet, meek, shy-looking people you've ever seen turn into demonic geniuses of pain and pleasure when given someone to play with. Endless variety.
It's not at all unheard of for someone who's done only one thing (for example, bottoming) to one day start feeling the urge to top, or vice versa. People change, preferences change, it's nothing unusual. This, though, leads into the next question....
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When first getting into the scene, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM for the first time, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here's this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they're helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust... and now what do you do?
Play with them! There are all kinds of common objects that produce intense and enjoyable sensations when applied to a helpless lover. Combs for dragging across the skin, feathers for tickling a frantic foot, clothespins (use a couple or use many in artistic rows, these can be as intense as you want to make them!), ice cubes, chocolate syrup, strawberries (ever see 9 1/2 Weeks?), leather belts for slapping or spanking, hairbrushes for scuffing or beating, and of course your own fingers, mouth, genitals, and everything else! Enjoy taking your time with your willing victim; drive them to distraction, then bring them to the edge of ecstasy, then back off and make them beg for more!
Remember, you can set the mood as you wish. You can be playful, amused at your own ineptitude even while your bottom is moaning with desire. You can be stern and commanding, sympathetic but nasty, jolly yet sadistic, anything you please. As long as you focus your attention on your bottom, your bottom will have a great time! Relax, go with the flow, and if you stop enjoying it, call safeword, Tops can use safewords too!
Of course, there's no need to feel like you need to put all your attention into pleasing your bottom; what's a good slave for if not for pleasing their master? I've several times played with my girlfriend and used her for my own selfish pleasure, giving little attention to hers, and she loved it! But there is no doubt that with pleasure it is as good to give as to receive. Just remember, communicate, be sensitive to what your bottom is feeling, and you'll have no problem.
And don't be limited by preconceptions of what you "ought" to be doing, or worries about how you're not topping "correctly". If you start to feel pressured or insecure, take a step back, and ask yourself what you want out of the scene. Sometimes, when I've been bottoming for my girlfriend, she hasn't been in the mood to play with me sexually, so she made me her slave and commanded me to... bathe her and wash her! This was lots of relaxed fun for both of us, and it let her unwind enough to keep playing the way she wanted to play. Be honest, not only with your bottom, but with yourself.
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It can also be hard to learn to bottom, if what you're used to is topping. Giving up control, surrendering, can be a difficult thing, when you're used to holding the reins in your hands. If you find yourself manipulating your top, trying to coerce them into giving you what you want, then you're what is called a "pushy bottom"--a bottom who is not really submitting, but just trying to turn the situation around to the way they want it to go.
Some tops get off on bottoms who are defiant or subtly disobedient, and use it as an excuse to punish; but for other tops, especially inexperienced ones, it can be anything but fun. Making your top feel like they don't know what they're doing is no fun for either of you; I know, I've been there, as the pushy bottom. The solution? The next time you play, tell yourself that you are the top's property, that their will is yours, and that your deepest desire is to please them. Before, if they did something you didn't like, you might have suggested they try it another way; now, they are doing exactly what they want to be doing, and you are grateful they're doing it. Let go of your urges to be in control; surrender to them, and let them have their way with you. I guarantee you will have a lot more fun than when you were trying to top from the bottom, I know I did!
Of course, nothing is cut-and-dried; just because you're on the bottom doesn't mean you're a puppet. But there is a big difference between being open and communicative, and trying to force things in your preferred direction. A good bottom is one who is enthusiastic, devoted to their top's pleasure, willing to surrender to their top's will, and happy to be bottoming.
There's a piece of common wisdom that's been around the scene for a long time, which is: the best tops are those who started at the bottom. I believe it's true. If you have been there, felt the bite of the whip, struggled to get free as you were brought slowly and teasingly to orgasm, tranced out as the sensation from the clothespins washed over and through you... then you will be much better able to guide someone else through that intensely magical space as a top, because you will literally have been there. Plus, starting as a bottom means you'll pick up a lot of hands-on (if you will) experience!
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Lots of reasons. For many people, the knowledge that they are helpless, that someone else can do things with their body and they can't prevent them, is a powerful turn-on. "I'm going to make you come and there's nothing you can do about it." It's a very strong statement of trust to let someone bind you helplessly, or even non-helplessly.
For others, the simple sensation of bondage is pleasurable. Tight constriction can create very intense stimulation, and lots of tight bondage can be a sensory trip, just as a whipping scene can be.
For yet others, it's a charge to struggle, to let your body lose control. It can really intensify an orgasm when you come with every muscle straining against your bonds, trying to get your hands free to smash your lover's face into your crotch, your body shaking. If you weren't tied down you'd hurt yourself!
For me, it's all three of these reasons :-)
An especially intense form of bondage is verbal bondage: putting your bottom in some position (spread-eagled, kneeling, whatever) and commanding them not to move... and then tormenting them! One kinky variation on this is as follows: have your bottom hold their hands out in front of them, fingers splayed, fingertips touching. Put a penny between each pair of fingertips so they're holding five pennies. Now order them not to let a single one drop, on pain of some punishment or other, and then go to work! This works best on a hard floor so you can hear the coin drop.
There are a bunch of commonsense things to know about if you want to get into bondage. Most of these are pretty obvious, but they're stated here because that's what a FAQ's for!
Make sure your bottom's extremities don't start getting cold or turning blue; those are both sure signs that blood isn't flowing the way it ought to, and that isn't what you want to have happen. If your bottom's hands are bound inside mittens or some other place that's not accessible to you, ask them to wiggle their fingers or toes or whatever and see if they're losing any feeling. It can be tricky to tie someone up without making it too tight; in general, a good rule is to tie loosely with lots of turns of rope. You can tighten such a tie with just another turn around all the rest, and it can be a real drag to have a bottom's foot fall asleep in the middle of a scene. If you're a novice, consider purchasing a pair of basic ankle and wrist cuffs (in leather, Velcro, or whatever) at an adult toy store or horse tack shop; and if you get embarrassed, remember the old standby excuse: "It's a gag wedding gift!"
Do not leave a bound person alone. Though it is a hot fantasy to tie someone up in some precarious position (possibly with vibrators or other devices buzzing away) and leave them to stew, in reality you must consider: what if the house is burgled? catches on fire? earthquake? any sort of emergency? Fun is fun, but a helpless person is just that: helpless. A willing partner is too precious to take risks with.
Be very careful about tying anything around the neck; anything that puts any pressure AT ALL on the front of the neck can lead to unconsciousness quickly, as the carotid arteries go right to the brain. Likewise be careful with gags or things tied in the mouth; as well as restricting breathing, they can trigger a gag reflex, which could be really nasty if the bottom can't get the gag out. See the advice above on safewords for use while gagged.
Also, be aware that if someone is standing for any length of time in any sort of tight bondage, it can lead to less circulation to their head; if you suddenly do something intense to that person, it may trigger a headrush which could easily result in a faint. Always use hooks which can be released instantly even with the bottom's full weight on them (these are sometimes called "panic snaps" and can be found in good hardware stores), and keep a pair of bandage scissors handy in case ropes or straps need to be cut loose.
Be careful what you tie your bottom to; if an exposed water pipe is handy, be aware it may heat up. Likewise with candles; be careful when you're waving flame around someone who's bound, as they can't flinch the way unbound people can.
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One way of thinking about whipping is as another way of touching someone. People who are just getting into SM frequently play with spanking; it's fun to be spanked! It's a punishment, it's a strong stimulus, it hurts very pleasurably. But if you've ever spanked anyone for a long time you know that your spanking hand wears out quickly!
Well, that's what whips are for -- to allow you to hit someone for a longer time, without tiring out. There are many varieties of whips (cat-o-nine tails, heavy floggers, canes, light braided switches, suede pussy whips, and on and on), all of which feel very different and which have their own individual effect. A whip-loving top will often carry a veritable arsenal of different floggers.
There are deeper reasons why the variety is so diverse. A whipping scene will often start off very lightly, with the top using a small whip to sensitize the bottom and get them into the rhythm of the scene, switching to heavier and heavier whips as the bottom gets deeper and deeper. Of course, the top may choose to lead the bottom on any kind of trip the top desires -- switching from stinging light switches to biting canes to soft fleeces. (Yes, it can feel GREAT when your top stops hitting you and suddenly brushes a velvet cloth against your back! Or maybe an ice cube....) It's all about physical sensation.
When whipping someone, be careful. Heavy whipping is usually done on the back or ass, simply because those are the parts of the body which can take it most readily. Be careful of hitting the spine, which can break the skin where the vertebrae come close to the surface. Stay away from the kidneys, as kidney damage can occur if you hit them too hard. Stay away from the neck, for the same reasons you avoided the spine.
Be aware that if you hit someone hard enough (which may be lighter than you'd think) you will bruise them, and if you keep going you can break the skin, which is decidedly unsafe sex; and leather or string whips can't be sterilely cleaned. For this reason, some dedicated masochists have their own toys which have come in contact with their blood, and henceforth can be used only on them. Whippings like this are very strenuous, but as with all SM, you can start out light and get only as heavy as you want!
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Piercings aren't just done to ears. People on this list have their nipples, navels, eyebrows, clitoris hoods, penises, labia, and other body parts pierced, and bits of metal permanently in the piercings. These are the bare facts, but this practice, it turns out, has a lot to do with S/M.
Getting a piercing, first of all, is an incredibly intense rush, on a purely physical level. It's a very powerful thing to willingly have someone push a sharp piece of metal through your body. It can be a level of sensation beyond any you've experienced in your life.
Once you have the piercing, it can completely change the way that part of the body feels to you. One friend of mine said that his nipple piercings turned his nipples from little places that felt OK to full-fledged erotic zones connected right to his cock. He calls his nipple piercings the best thing he's ever done for his body and his sex life, and he seems damn sincere! The same goes for all the piercings in the genital area; they can really make sex more fun! There is some medical evidence that nerves around the pierced location become much more sensitive, so this isn't mere folklore. In case it wasn't clear, once a piercing heals, it doesn't hurt at all; quite the opposite!
Some people get into play piercings, which are done temporarily with very thin needles, which are removed at the end of the scene. This is basically another kind of sensory trip, which some find very enjoyable. The needles don't hurt, exactly, but you certainly do know they're in there, and they sure do get those endorphins pumping!
You don't want to try permanent piercings unless you've been person ally trained by a professional; there is a lot of knowledge involved, and you definitely don't want to get stuck with a bad piercing. Play piercings are less hard-core, but you still want to make sure you know sterile technique (remember safe sex!).
Does nipple piercing cause problems with nursing? Sometimes yes, sometimes no; there are stories both ways. There are many milk ducts in an average nipple, so the chances are good that nursing can still happen, but nothing is certain.
For more information about piercings, see rec.arts.bodyart (or possibly later editions of this FAQ).
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Just what they sound like. Cutting is having someone cut you, carefully and lovingly, in the context of a scene. Burning is playing with fire, whether it's molten wax, candles, or alcohol. Branding is... well... branding! They're all very intense SM trips that can be an incredible amount of fun if you enjoy them, just like all SM. They are, of course, extremely severe and possibly dangerous, but they're not the kind of things novices tend to get right into.
Molten wax can be mild or intense. The higher you hold the candle, the cooler the drops will be, to a certain extent. They'll definitely make your bottom yelp no matter what! Don't use beeswax candles, although they melt at a much higher temperature.
I'm considering including safety information about cutting, but since there doesn't seem to be much demand for it I haven't written any up yet.
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Some people enjoy playing with cutting off their air during heavy scenes. This can be as simple as tying a tie around your neck and then to the head of your bed, and putting pressure on it as you are teased or brought to orgasm; or as complex as a full-head latex hood and gas mask over a straitjacket. As your air is cut off, you can feel sensation more intensely; it is also a deeply intimate thing to allow someone else to be in control of the very air you breathe.
Needless to say, there are many things that can go very wrong; if you pass out and someone isn't there to cut you loose and make sure you're breathing, you can die. Not for novices. If you want to play with this, set things up so if you pass out unexpectedly the pressure will be released. Your life is depending on your rig being fail-safe.
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Another kind of play, also known as "water sports". Basically, some people enjoy urinating on their lovers, or having their lovers piss on them. Pissing is really a very intimate thing; your urine is a part of you, it's warm and wet, it feels good to let it out, it comes from your genitals. Some get a thrill of power from having someone bound beneath them who can do nothing but take it as the shower lets loose; others get off on being made to pee, to wet their pants, it's naughty and they need to be punished for it.
Safety-wise, urine is essentially sterile; it's not necessarily free of HIV, so it's probably not safer sex to drink someone else's urine.
Some people are into scat play, which is playing with shit. I don't know very many who are, but they're out there. This is obviously even less safe than water sports; in particular, it's really easy to get hepatitis if you contact any shit at all. People who enjoy rimming (oral-anal contact) should be aware of this, and clean themselves VERY thoroughly. I'm not going to get into discussions of catheters and enemas here, at least not yet :-)
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Everyone (well, almost everyone) knows what finger-fucking is. Whether in ass or pussy, it's terrifically enjoyable to stroke someone inside. (Fingers up a man's ass, if aimed properly, will tickle his prostate gland, which feels AMAZINGLY good... just a little tip!) And people are generally comfortable with the idea of finger-fucking with more than one finger. But not as many people have been exposed to the idea of inserting a _whole hand_ into the ass or pussy... which is, in simplest terms, what fisting is. Yes, it's anatomically possible, and yes, it's EXTREMELY (so I've heard) pleasurable.
That said, it's now very important to explain what fisting is not. You DO NOT make a fist and ram it home. Fisting is one of the most intimate and complete ways to touch another human being, and it is something that has to be worked up to slowly and gently. There have been many posts about fisting on a.s.b, talking about the proper technique, the safety concerns, the fantastic feeling of openness and connection, the magical plane that two people fisting can attain... it's an incredibly intense way to make love. I can't do justice to the firsthand descriptions others have written, but I can mention some of the safety concerns.
First of all, cut and file all your nails until every finger is as smooth as it could possibly be. Your fingers will be in some very delicate places -- places that may not have pain receptors. You want to make sure you minimize all chance of causing damage.
Use latex gloves. AIDS is a matter of life and death.
You will probably want to clean your bottom's GI tract out. What else are enemas for? Be gentle with enemas; warm water is best. Don't use detergent in enemas. Some people enjoy putting alcohol in enemas; if you do, use a VERY VERY VERY DILUTED solution, since it will get absorbed real fast, and the bottom won't be able to expel it if they get too drunk.
Use LOTS (and I mean LOTS ) of lube. Push it in with your fingers. Make a huge mess. Get it all over your hand, the back of your hand, between your fingers. Keep applying it as you go. YOU CAN"T HAVE TOO MUCH LUBE. Remember, oil-based lubricants dissolve latex.
Go slowly. Start with one finger and work up. DON'T RUSH. Be sensitive to your bottom's feelings. You are trying to persuade part of their body to open for you, to admit part of you deeply inside it. The energy will move back and forth, and you'll ride it, coaxing and pushing, in and out, moving your bottom into a trance. Keep communicating with your bottom; gags, or role-playing where the bottom feels inferior or is told to stay quiet, are not conducive to the kind of relaxation and open empathy you'll need.
When you reach five fingers, you're almost there. Now is when you want to be most sensitive and most aware. Your bottom is going to be flying on pain and pleasure; a sudden flinch and you'll find the asshole (or whatever) doesn't want you anymore. Respect that, and pull out (slowly!). But if your bottom's bottom wants it, then you'll slip your knuckles inside, and (so I've been told) your hand will NATURALLY form a fist, you DON'T need to clench your hand or anything else!
Now the real fun begins... explore, entice, pleasure your bottom, who will be in heaven... and when it comes time to pull out, do so slowly and naturally!
If you have more questions (as always), post to a.s.b; there have been some GREAT pieces on fisting in the past, and there will be more if you ask for them.
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Sometimes on a.s.b, people will post wondering if what they do is "heavy" enough to be worth talking about. How can a mere novice who just got spanked for the first time presume to post about how it felt, when there are people out there who wouldn't even have noticed it?
The answer to that is twofold. First, there are an infinite number of ways to play. This is one of the reasons I like SM to mean Sex Magick; Magick doesn't need to involve pain, or intensity, or bondage, or role-playing, or anything at all. Sex Magick is whatever you do that fulfills a fantasy of yours. **There is no right or wrong way to do SM, as long as it is consensual.** If you agree to it, and if it feels good, it's the right thing for you to be doing. This FAQ list is really just a series of suggestions; take them or leave them, it's totally up to you.
(There are players out there who get way heavier than I ever will -- into realms that I personally consider unsafe and even a little insane. Heck, for some people, being whipped is an insane idea. But the most important thing is the consensuality and the mutuality of the play -- that everyone involved wants to be doing what they're doing.)
Second, the "intensity" of a scene has very little to do with the level of "physical sensation" involved. Again, the magic is in the way it makes you feel. We were all novices once; we all know the thrill of trying something new, taking your dreams and making them real. That is what makes SM intense and enjoyable -- that ineffable rush of new horizons unfolding. It doesn't matter whether you get there through S or M or B or D or none of the above; once you're there, it's fantastic! AND, it's worth posting about!
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One of the problems with SM is the social programming against it. Our culture isn't used to the idea that sex is fun and pushing one's limits in search of pleasure is a damned enjoyable thing to do.
In this FAQ posting I have attempted to explain the ways I feel and my friends feel about what we do. I am doing this because I used to know very little about SM; I only knew I was interested. Through a.s.b and lots of new friends and LOTS of wonderful experiences, I learned. Now I want to describe it in as open and frank a manner as I know how.
Sometimes that openness and frankness slops over into apologia. I am trying to avoid that, as I think there are few people sicker than those who believe they have the right to tell others how to live and love. If you believe SM is sick or disgusting, I tell you you are simply wrong; some of the greatest acts of love I have ever witnessed have occurred in an SM context. If you don't think you'd like it, that's fine with me; just keep an open mind, because pleasure, for me at least, is what it's all about!
Also, there are things I'm describing that I don't enjoy (at least not yet :-) This is not the FAQ List of the Gods, so don't take it as such; listen to what I say and draw your own conclusions. And for pete's sake, post to alt.sex.bondage with your questions and thoughts and fantasies and dreams; the blood of a.s.b is always freshened by new posters! (It helps distract us from the flame wars!)
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Often people approach SM with nothing but negative stereotypes in their mind. The will-less slave dominated by the overbearing thoughtless master. The pervert who enjoys being hit. All these images emerge from fear and ignorance, and have no basis in reality.
Once you actually look at people who are involved in SM, and at what they do, you realize that what is actually happening is a powerful expression of love, which just happens to be expanding into sensual realms outside the ordinary. True SM is consensual; true degradation is not. Therein lies the difference, and an all-important difference it is.
Another root of the stereotypes is simple aversion to sexuality in general. The concepts of "limits" and "negotiation" are inherently revolutionary, in a world where many people can't bring themselves to talk about anything related to sex. Yet without understanding these concepts, it's hard to understand SM.
Some people wonder how women into SM can consider themselves feminists. Isn't feminism about controlling your sexuality, about not submitting to anyone else, ever? Personally, I believe (and many women on a.s.b agree) that feminism is about empowering women to make their own choices, to live life their own way, without being limited by ideas about what women "should" do or how they "ought" to behave. And in that light, it makes little difference whether the limiting ideas are those of the patriarchal CEO or the "radical feminist" criticizing SM in Ms. magazine; both the CEO and the writer are attacking woman's' right to do as they choose. And if they choose to get tied up and led around by a leash, more power to them for defying convention!
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Leather is one of the most basic fetishes in the scene. Leather skirts, leather chaps, leather harnesses, leather cuffs, on and on. Likewise for latex. Much of the appeal of these two substances, it seems to me, is in their tightness and their shininess; clothes made out of them enhance your awareness of your sensual self, and restraints made out of them can cling like a second skin. In general, leather and latex are two really big categories of fetish -- and a fetish is defined as something that turns some people on; if you have to ask, you probably won't understand!
Leather clothes absorb fluids; don't get them wet. Plain water will damage the leather; blood or other bodily fluids will also leave their scent in the leather. Latex doesn't absorb water-based fluids, but oils will damage it, and prolonged exposure to sunlight will cause it to break down. When putting your latex on, apply lots of talc to yourself and to the insides of your latex; this will make it easy to slide it on. Don't pull the latex with your nails, or it'll rip; likewise make sure you cut your toenails before putting on latex stockings. After removing latex clothes, wash them with water to remove oils, then dry them (and some say powder them) for storage.
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One of the paradoxes of SM revolves around consensuality. Everything in SM is consensual; although the top is in control, it was the bottom's choice to allow the top to be in control. And since most of the time the top is trying to keep the bottom happy, and since the bottom knows that, isn't the bottom really in control?
Yes, if your definition of "in control" is "can stop the scene". The bottom can always opt out, if it's true, safe, sane, consensual SM. But the top can go a long way towards putting the bottom under the top's spell, making the bottom submit to really strenuous bondages or beatings, using the bottom as the top pleases. I know that when I top I take great pleasure out of, for instance, hog-tying my girlfriend with her breasts bound and her hands behind her back and her ankles tied to her ponytail, then putting her on the edge of the bed and sticking my cock in her mouth. She has no choice but to suck it until I come. Which of us is "in control"? Both of us would say that I am, and both of us are getting off on that fact, so the paradox in practice doesn't matter too much.
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This is the last question in another guise. Is it possible for there to be consensual non-consensuality? That is, can someone agree to be in a situation from which they cannot escape, and to live that way?
This topic can inspire flame wars,
as follows: historical slavery was totally nonconsensual and enforced by the
state; at the worst of times, the life of a slave was in the master's hands.
Our society today does not recognize such an arrangement. Does this mean that
someone cannot truly become someone else's slave, as society would always permit
the slave to back out? Or is true slavery possible as a bond between one person
and another, regardless of society? You expect an answer in a FAQ?
Sorry, here there are only more questions.
Often the "hanky code" is mentioned on a.s.b. What is it? It's a tradition in the scene that if you're into certain types of activities you can indicate them by wearing a handkerchief in either your left or right back pockets. The color indicates the activity; the side, the preferred position (left is top, right is bottom). Some of the colors are gray for bondage (left is you like to tie, right is you like to be tied up), red for anal fisting (left fister, right fistee), and black for heavy SM (piercing, serious whipping, etc.); there are many many many more. I don't have a list handy.
Sometimes the same thing is done with keys or handcuffs -- keys on the left means you're a top, on the right means you're a bottom. It's all just a way to signal your preferences in a public place.
Despite persistent rumors, there seems to be no "earring code" involving earrings on the left / right / both / whatever.
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Sometimes people who are attracted by some aspects of SM worry that they will immediately go from enjoying spanking and light bondage to fisting and golden showers. Nothing could be further from the truth.
SM is a blanket term for a huge variety of alternative ways to make love. This FAQ list has outlined some of the possibilities. No one I know enjoys everything on this list, everyone has their own preferences and levels of tolerance. Some like bondage but dislike pain; some like latex but dislike leather; some enjoy piercing but not whipping; some like tickling and nothing else!
This means that negotiation is always important in SM; you never know what someone's tastes will be until you ask. It also means that whatever your level, however hard the play that you enjoy, there are people out there who share your tastes. Be a dabbler or be a lifestyler, or be anywhere in between! And don't worry; the operative word with all of these practices is pleasure. If you don't like it, you won't enjoy it, and you won't do it!
Some people have fantasies about heavier SM trips than they would enjoy in real life. To those people, I say this: fantasies are not reality. It is well documented that many women have rape fantasies from time to time; this does not mean that women want to be raped. SM can involve playing on the edge between fantasy and reality, using that fantasy energy to create something fantastically strong and passionate in the real world; but this does not mean that fantasies are anything but imagination, or that fantasies will become real without your choosing to make them so.
If you are worried about getting "too into SM", it means that you are sensitive to your spiritual and sexual development, which in itself means you don't have to worry. Trust your instincts. SM is nothing but opening up the the powerful energy within us all, and being willing to experience that energy with and through others; it is intimate and loving. Even a hard scene, involving ruthless domination and serious pain, is an act of love, and a very deep one at that; it takes a lot of trust and a strong connection between the people involved to create such a scene. The more aware of Sex Magick you are, the better a communicator and lover you will likely be -- and you don't have to be a heavy player to understand Sex Magick.
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Occasionally on alt.sex.bondage there is a flurry of e-mail about some event that recently occurred (often in the SF Bay area) at which many net.folks were in attendance, and about the tremendously enjoyable things that transpired there. Then others around the country post, wishing they lived out here too. Well, you don't have to live out here to have a play party!
What is a play party? A party where your guests can (and hopefully will) play with each other! It can be as simple as a backrub circle which turns into more intimate activity, or it can be one person who gets clothespins applied to them while others watch and contribute energy before going off into their own scenes, or indeed anything at all. The idea is to enjoy each other, to communicate and share the pleasure that touching and playing can bring. If there is a common interest in S/M, that's convenient, as lots of things can be initiated with a simple pair of handcuffs or a whip that looks like it'd feel good; also, if the guests have played with S/M, they will understand the need for negotiation, and they will know what it is to respect another's limits.
Some tips: Don't encourage alcohol; make it BYOB. This makes the party safer, and the drunker you get the less likely you are to really be able to fully negotiate and communicate. Minimize video and loud music; this causes people to interact with each other, which is the whole point, rather than sit back and stay out of the action. (Good party music can help set the mood, though.) Keep condoms, dental dams, latex gloves, lube (water-based!), betadine (if piercers or cutters are present), bleach (for cleaning toys), and paper towels handy; this makes people aware that they can easily play safely -- a matter of life and death -- as well as expressing the hosts' concern for the guests.
If possible, have several playspaces (i.e. rooms where people can recline and play with each other); this lets the exhibitionists exhibit, while the more private ones can be more private, and the heavy players can play heavily (serious whippings, candles, etc.) without freaking out the folks with lighter tastes. Have some knowledgeable people take turns as safety monitors; if anything's going on that looks unsafe or nonconsensual, give those people authority to take action. Establish a party safeword (a great one is "Safeword!"). In general, make your place into a safe space, a haven where people can unwind and enjoy each other to whatever extent they want to, without feeling pressured or uncomfortable.
Possibly the most helpful tip: if you can, try to get a group of people in your area together, and try to get activities planned between parties -- lunches, group shopping trips to your local toy stores, movies, etc. It's hard to overcome the barriers to trusting someone enough to have sensual or sexual contact with them, especially in our pleasure-negative society; therefore, things may not get off to the rollicking start you could wish for at your first party. If there are a couple of exhibitionists to break the ice, though, it helps; and as people get to know each other better and get to be friends, it will increase the level of fun everyone will have!
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The simplest way to fit in in a play party is to behave politely. There will be people right in front of you who are doing very sexual things. They are doing them for their pleasure, not for yours. Stay away from the action unless invited to participate -- and a glance in your direction does not constitute an invitation.
The people who really interfere with the energy of a party are the people who seemingly assume that just because the scene is taking place in a semipublic context means that comments from the audience are okay fine. They're NOT. The top in the scene is concentrating on the bottom's pleasure, and the bottom is almost certainly in a very private mental space. Neither the top nor the bottom will appreciate being yanked back to reality by a loud suggestion or greeting. If you want to compliment them on something, WAIT UNTIL THE SCENE IS OVER and they're circulating and being sociable again! Interfering with a scene in progress is inexcusably rude, and if I were dungeon-mastering I would throw you out of the party for doing it.
Once you understand that scenes are private even though they're taking place in public, the question then becomes, how can you watch without detracting from the energy of the scene?
There definitely are people who interfere just by watching. They've been dubbed "energy vampires" in the past. These people are watching the action as though it was a porno movie -- as though the intense magic taking place in front of them was no more than a bad fuck flick where the actress is half asleep. They have no empathy, no sense of connection to what's going on; they might as well be in a movie theater.
If you have the ability to watch what is happening with an open heart, if you can pick up on the energy and send your own good wishes towards the participants in the scene, you will be much more valuable as a watcher. Public players never object to an enthusiastic audience which can appreciate the way they're playing! An audience which values the gift of being allowed to watch, and which contributes its goodwill towards the play, can be a delight; an audience which watches without giving and without connecting takes the life and spirit out of the scene. (And remember, a good audience does NOT make comments that the players can hear -- an audience doesn't interfere with the performance!)
You can be a part of the magic without playing yourself. All it takes is an honest enjoyment of what's happening combined with politeness and tact.
If you do want to play, and there's someone you want to play with, you can ask -- but be prepared to accept a "no, thanks" gracefully. If you are comfortable mingling and making small talk, you'll be more likely to find someone with compatible desires -- after all, everyone else there has similar tastes! There often will be rooms for heavy play and rooms for hanging out and socializing; don't try to do one activity in the other activity's space.
(It helps if you dress sexily, even if you're not playing -- the more leather and lace there is to look at, the better!)
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There are many people who post to alt.sex.bondage through the wizvax Anonymous Posting Service, and many others who post from pseudonymous accounts. The reasons are obvious; "kinky sex" in our society is stigmatized, and being openly interested in sexuality or alternate sexual practices can result in personal and professional consequences including losing one's job, losing one's friends, and if child custody is involved, losing one's children. Yes, in America today, you can lose custody of your child if it becomes known that you practice SM. (This is not merely anecdotal; people on the net have had these things happen to them.) Oral sex is a crime in some states! After reading this FAQ, it (hopefully) should be clear how twisted this situation is, when acts of love can be used as evidence of psychological damage.
This is why many choose to write and post anonymously. By using a pseudonym, they can say what they want to say, while remaining free of the nastiness that could ensue were their coworkers to discover their interests. Homosexuals know what it's like to be ostracized for their romantic and sexual preferences; SM devotees are, in some ways, in the same boat. It's a strange world, where love is perceived as evil, and beauty as ugliness....
Anonymous posters are not cowards. The consequences I have outlined are enough to make anyone question whether posting under their own name is worthwhile. Those who choose to do so are not necessarily so much courageous as lucky, lucky to be able to be out, to declare their lifestyles openly. (Note that pseudonyms are sometimes used in real- life situations, as well; there are many netters who go by their net names even at social functions.)
This means that it is rude to inquire as to someone's actual identity if they choose to use a pseudonym. It is also rude to tell others of their real name, if you somehow become privy to it, without first asking them; they have entrusted you with something that they don't want commonly known. DON'T OUT SOMEONE IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE OUTED. You yourself may not need a net.name; that doesn't mean you can take others' anonymity any less seriously than they themselves do. This goes for the net and for real life. If you meet someone at a party who you've known from the net, they'll probably still want to be known under their net name, and if you're writing about that party later, make sure you have their permission before describing them or scenes in which they participated (even if you use only their net name).
It is an open question whether the world would improve if everyone outed themselves. Some say that we need to get all kinky people out of the closet, so everyone will realize how many of us there are (and there are many!). Others, myself included, believe that everyone should be free to choose how they want to live their life, including choosing to be anonymous.
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Every now and then, someone posts to a.s.b asking why there are so many postings about some topic that's not straightforward bondage. Wouldn't it be a good idea to split the group, so the {gays/heavy players/people into whipping} could go off and be by themselves? Wasn't alt.sex.bondage created for the purpose of discussing bondage?
The answer is no, and no. a.s.b was created in response to a joke that turned serious. The group has no explicit charter, and no set of guidelines as to what is and is not appropriate.
What a.s.b has evolved into (and actually has always been) is, as the intro to this FAQ states, a group for discussing "ways to have sex that are outside the mainstream". This is an awfully wide description. There is room underneath it for discussing everything from "how do I tie someone up?" to "how can I play with razors safely?" to "what's it like to love someone of your sex?"
The inevitable consequence of this is that people sometimes get exposed to material that squicks them. That's life in the big net. There is no guarantee that everything on a.s.b will suit your personal interests. The general rule of the net applies here in spades: if you don't like it, hit "n" and ignore it. It's guaranteed that there are many many out there who _do_ like it. Remember, limits are relative; many of the "heavy players" you read about started as novices them- selves, and the person who just described their intense whipping scene may be unable to handle even the lightest tickling... food for thought!
I just finished reading a few stories about nonconsensual rape and sadistic murder that were posted net wide. I personally was squicked by those stories. Do I think they're appropriate for a.s.b? Not really. Can I stop them from being posted? Nope. Can I ignore them? Hell yes.
Can the ferment of different topics and views on a.s.b degenerate into chaos? Yes, and it sometimes does. But more frequently, the mixing of interests and ideas generates a really wonderful dialogue out of which new knowledge and fantasy is born. Novices pipe up with questions that spark an insightful reply by an old-timer. Old-timers post about some experience that gets lurkers' juices flowing everywhere. Someone who knows a lot about one kind of play tries something new and posts about it. And the words and magic flow on and on.
a.s.b works, like no other group I know of on the net. So don't be too hasty with that "n" key... you might learn something!
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This list is incomplete and needs all the entries it can find, address corrections especially appreciated.
Possibly the best reference on basic SM safety I've ever seen is _The Lesbian S/M Safety Guide_, edited by Pat Califia and published by The Lace Press (I don't have the address handy at the moment, sorry). There is information in here on everything from physical safety to emotional issues to negotiating with bottoms to consensual slave contracts. It's written about lesbians, but very little of the information is actually gender-specific. Excellent.
Anything written by Pat Califia (_Macho Sluts_, _Doc and Fluff_, _Sapphistry_). Alyson Press (40 Plympton St., Boston, MA 02118, (800) 8-ALYSON) publishes her stuff. She's very well known in the scene and she is a hot (as in boiling- glowing-volcanic-nuclear-SUPERHOT) writer. Be warned, though; _Doc and Fluff_ in particular is not for the faint of heart!
Larry Townsend's _The Leatherman's Handbook_. I personally have never read it, but it's widely known.
_Coming to Power_, by SAMOIS, published by Alyson Press. This is a book about lesbian SM, written by a former Bay Area women's collective. It has a huge spectrum of pieces from hot fantasy to personal history to political pronouncement. Very worthwhile.
Anne Rampling, _Exit to Eden_, widely available. This woman, also known as Anne Rice, has a sizable following in the scene; this book is mostly-mainstream but is apparently a good introduction to what it _feels_ like to be in the scene. Also by her, under the name A. N. Rocquelaure, is the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy: _The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty_, _Beauty's Punishment_, and _Beauty's Release_, in which the hero and heroine are subjected to all kinds of wonderfully sensual torments. Something for just about everyone.
Mark Thompson (editor), _Leatherfolk_, Alyson Press. An EXCELLENT anthology about the SM scene in America, from the 1930s through the present. Focuses mainly on the gay and lesbian SM communities, but contains much worthwhile material for anyone interested in any aspects of SM.
_Sandmutopia Guardian_, by Desmodus, Inc., P. O. Box 410390, San Francisco, CA 94141-0390, (415) 252-1195. $24 for six issues (US/Canada). A very good how-to magazine, focusing on the basics of SM play (lots of reader articles and B&W pictures), with lots of listings of clubs around the US.
_Skin Two_, Freepost, 23 Grand Union Centre, Kensal Rd, London W10 5BR. A VERY classy magazine, all glossy with excellent articles and photos, with lots of emphasis on latex but good material for anyone into SM, as well as a HUGE section of magazine, book, and store listings in the back of every issue. They take credit card orders at 081 968 9692. Highly recommended.
There are various regional organizations which continually fluctuate. Look in the back of the _Guardian_; they generally include a list in every issue. Some of the better-known ones:
QSM, PO Box 882242, SF CA 94188. QSM is the best organization in the world for learning about SM. QSM holds many different classes and workshops on all aspects of SM. Write to them to get on their mailing list or to pre-register for classes, they also have an extensive list of books and magazines available by mail order (all the books and magazines listed above, and then some!).
Eulenspiegel Society, PO Box 2783, Grand Central Station, New York, NY 10163-2783, (212) 633-TESM. A long-running club for SMers on the right coast. Well known.
The Society of Janus, PO Box 6794, San Francisco, CA 90291. Organization in the SF Bay Area, open to all genders and persuasions.
The National Leather Association, PO Box 17463, Seattle, WA 98107. A politically-oriented group open to everyone into leather/SM.
Most of these places require you to state that you're 21 or over when ordering. (This list in particular could use all the expansion it can get, since I know little about toy stores outside the SF Bay Area. Send me your favorite local shops' addresses, and I'll put 'em in here!)
Good Vibrations, 1210 Valencia, San Francisco, CA 94110, (415) 550-0827. An excellent non-sleazy erotica store, woman-owned, with lots of good books and magazines about sex and a nice selection of basic sex toys. Not an SM store, but a good one nonetheless. Send them $5 for first-class-mailed catalogs of their books and toys.
Stormy Leather, 1158 Howard St., San Francisco, CA 94103, (415) 626-1672. A woman-owned store with an excellent selection of sexy leather and latex clothes, good basic bondage gear, and a wonderful magazine and book section. They cater to both men and women, so they'll have toys to fit you; they also do custom orders. $2 catalog.
Mr. S Leathers, 1779 Folsom St., San Francisco, CA 94103, (415) 863-7764. Possibly the best-stocked store for SM equipment in the whole bay area. Lots and lots of really well-made bondage gear, including metal shackles and leather straight-jackets, and a HUGE handcuff selection! They currently have three different catalogs, since they recently merged with Fetters (_the_ source for heavy bondage gear); there's the Mr. S Leathers catalog (basic leather clothes and toys), the Eagle Shop catalog (men's latex clothing), and the Fetter's catalog (heavy bondage). Each is $5.
BR Creations in Mountain View makes custom-made corsets: P.O. Box 4201, Mountain View, CA 94040, catalog $5. Excellent quality.
Mark I. Chester makes spandex body bags and hoods; he's at P. O. Box 42501, SF, CA 94101, (415) 621-6294.
The classic magazines of "love bondage" (i.e. pretty women posing in lingerie and bondage) are available from Harmony Concepts, Box 69976, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
A wide variety of sexy spandex bondage gear is available from Noelle Nielson Softwear, Box 69826, Los Angeles, CA 90069. Write for information.
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This page constructed using The alt.sex.bondage FAQ List 9 March 1992 - revision as a base.